Reality check: hope doesn’t float; sometimes hope blows. A few week’s ago I was listening to a podcast sermon from Elevation Church (one of my favorites). The pastor, Steven Furtick, said, “Burying your disappointment is not a sustainable strategy.”
Say it louder for those in the back, Pastor! Because it’s true!
Some people think that it’s not okay to admit when your hope is deferred. I tend to agree with Pastor Furtick. Admitting when hope blows and we feel disappointed is an important part of the Hope Cycle. Denying it causes unnecessary delays and hurts. Here’s a glimpse into where my hope was on June 3, 2019…
“Hope Blows” Journal Entry from 6-3-19:
This day sucks. I’ve been working towards my dreams for a decade now and in that time I’ve worked hard to improve my future…
Worked my butt off to strengthen my mindset and pay off six figures worth of debt – while starting over after losing our home to a fire, mind you.
I’ve grieved the miscarriage of a baby I never even wanted to have.
Fought to strengthen a marriage that was barely breathing.
Nearly died from cystic fibrosis because of my own choices and walking by faith believing God for a supernatural healing.
And I’ve fought to stand up for myself and the dreams God placed in my heart when the haters tried to shame me and tell me that I shouldn’t do any of it.
Just two weeks ago someone I trusted and cared about took it upon herself to send me a certified letter telling me she thought I was a hypocrite and unwise – all because we had to make a difficult business decision that she didn’t like.
And then today I find out that a company I was partnered with flagged me for something silly all because I followed the directions of my leader. Oh, and a close friend told me that she was diagnosed with cancer.
This day sucks. I’ve lost more times than I’ve won, and today was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I’m beginning to lose hope…
What is the point of all this hope if the odds always stay stacked against you and just when you take a giant leap forward on the yellow brick road, the bricks fall out of place beneath your feet and you fall to a seemingly bottomless pit below?
Hope doesn’t float. It blows right over you as you chase after it looking like a fool. And then Katy Perry asks you if you’ve ever felt like a plastic bag floating in the sky and you’re like, you know what Katy – I have! And it feels as foolish as it sounds!
Crocodile tears flew out of my eyes tonight as I calmly explained the events of this day to my husband. I wasn’t hysterical or worked up, I was just overwhelmingly sad. So sad that the tears just fell down my cheeks and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. That is hope deferred.
Biblical wisdom says that, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” ~Proverbs 13:12 NIV
The word “deferred” means “postponed or delayed.”
Hope that has been delayed for so long, can quickly turn into a pessimistic outlook. I’m not usually that fast to change my mind. I’m known as the optimistic friend who always finds a purpose in the worst circumstances. But even I have to admit right now that I’m starting to wonder if this Hope thing has any merit. What’s the point of hoping at all if you’re just going to be let down?
I’ve been let down so many times through the years. Especially in the last five years as my bestie and I began growing a business together. I’ve prayed for things to work out and been the one cheering us on when the P&L Report looked bleak. And now… I’m wondering why? Why do I even try? Why do I Hope at all? Hope doesn’t pay the bills people! It doesn’t heal your friend who is sick! It doesn’t bring back the baby you lost or the home that went up in flames! Hope doesn’t change your dna or the circumstances you can’t control, so why hope at all?
That’s the end of what was my very vulnerable hope deferred moment.
It was exactly what I was feeling in that moment and even as I typed it, I knew I wanted to put it in this book one day. Why? Because if I can’t show you my hope deferred moments, I shouldn’t talk about hope at all. It all matters!
How did things turn out?
Well, my friend’s cancer is in remission. Things worked out with the company I partnered with on my side gig and I learned a valuable lesson of what it is like to have a leader stand up for me. And I’ve grown leaps and bounds this year when it comes to being an entrepreneur and having healthier boundaries with the people around me.
Hope looked bleak on that day back in 2019, but today this hope-blows mindset seems a bit silly. Oh, at the time it felt overwhelming. Today it feels like a blip on the radar. 2019 me didn’t even know that a year like 2020 was right around the corner! And you know what? Because I was vulnerable in past hope deferred seasons, 2020 has been easier to walk through.
The truth is that sometimes hope blows. It sucks the air right out of your lungs and you wonder how you’ll ever get back up. But you will. Hope deferred is just a place you’re passing through. Lean into it and write it all down. One day when you look back, you’ll see it. Hope deferred will reignite as Dangerous Hope again one day. The when is up to you.
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