I Thought I Was Stronger
A Glimpse Into A Life Healing From PTSD and Anxiety
By: Mandy B. Anderson

Healing from emotional trauma takes time. Sometimes more time than we would like; at least that’s been my experience. I’m the type of person who enthusiastically expects things to work out – QUICKLY. I believe that time can heal all wounds; however, I’m discovering that some wounds stay in a delicate state for many months and even years.

For instance, in my own journey of healing from PTSD and anxiety, certain situations or experiences seem to slowly pick open the scab and the bleeding slowly starts again. Many times I don’t even notice the trail until it’s too late; frustration, anger, a sudden deep sense of sorrow, extreme fatigue, and even episodes of fear slowly stream out of the wound before I’m aware of what’s happening. Have you ever experienced this?

This is a topic I don’t talk about as often anymore because as time goes on I seem to get stronger from it; I have developed an ability to anticipate my own triggers and therefore equip myself to overcome them. (Or at the very least, see them quicker in hindsight and extend grace to myself.)

Maybe you’d like to discover how to do that too?

Last weekend I spent some time in Fargo visiting my parents. On more than one occasion I drove past the apartment that burned down – the one that we lived in and lost everything. It’s been rebuilt now for awhile and for the first time I could look at it and almost smile. Almost. On the last day there, I ended up driving past the apartment building with Ajah B. sitting on my passenger seat and all the memories of that horrible experience flooded back into my mind. I could see myself driving down the road trying to reach the building filled with sky high flames; I could sense the sickening feeling in my stomach as I imagined my precious fur baby dying in the fire; and then I could sense the peace and overwhelming gratitude when I held her in my arms again after six hours of believing she was gone. Almost three years later these feelings are still so fresh, and yet…this time I could appreciate the broken road that we traveled to get to where we are today. I wouldn’t want to relive it, but I wouldn’t take it back either. All these things went through my mind as I drove out of town and headed home.

Later that night I called my husband and let him know that I had made it home. We decided to talk again before we both went to sleep and I went about unpacking and doing my treatments. Around 10:45 PM I tried calling Nate again and it went straight to voicemail. Since this isn’t uncommon in the areas that he travels, I also sent a text message. Ten minutes later I still had not heard from him. Over the next two hours I tried several more times to reach him with no success.

That’s when the panic settled in. I was already exhausted from a busy weekend and traveling, so my ability to reign in my emotions and think with a level head was comatose. I spent the rest of the night wondering where my husband was and worrying about the phone ringing to tell me there was an accident and he was gone.

Now, anyone who has experienced anxiety, panic attacks, and PTSD can tell you that sometimes it hits without warning. This was one of those times; but looking back I can clearly see what set me off. My trigger that day was the apartment building; the finger that pulled the trigger was exhaustion and the bullet of PTSD, fear, and anxiety hit its target right on: my mind.

I’m not even going to tell you how many times I called my husband and texted him. It’s embarrassing.

The next morning, after four hours of sleep, I woke at 5:30 to discover that there was still no message from him. At that point I started telling God that I was NOT ready for any more pain or loss. I told him that I was just getting to the point of getting back to a new “normal” and I couldn’t handle any more heartbreak at this point of my journey.

It was only after this confession that I was able to grab my Bible, focus on God’s truth, and face the fact that no matter what pain comes my way, I can in fact get through it.

There’s something powerful that happens when we confess our fears. It doesn’t make us weak; it makes us stronger. It helps us see ourselves clearly, and its through our confession that we allow God to fully work in our lives and through our situations.

In that moment I was reminded that God always hears us, even when it seems he doesn’t. I was reminded that God always carries us through, even when we don’t see him working. I was reminded that sometimes emotions and fatigue are too much for us to bear alone and we must fall into the arms of God for peace, rest, and restoration.

Ten minutes after I immersed myself in God’s word, I tried calling Nate again. This time he answered, and I broke down in tears. I was so happy to hear his voice, so embarrassed by my overreaction, and so utterly exhausted that I just lost it. He had fallen asleep and somehow his phone had turned to “emergency only” calls so nothing was getting through. He apologized and we came up with a plan to make sure that I don’t overreact again in the future. I hung up the phone and crawled back into bed where I slept for another four hours.

If you’re struggling with PTSD, anxiety, or fear today because of a traumatic event in your life or some sort of sickness, I pray that this encourages you today. You are not alone. Give yourself some grace. Journal about your feelings so you can find out what your triggers are. Share your hurts with a trusted friend, spouse, or counselor so that you can grow from your pain. You were never meant to set up camp in the valley of despair and fear. You’re just passing through!

Until next time…
be blessed, be healthy, and be inspired!

~ Mandy

How did this article help you? Share your thoughts below!

Mandy B. Anderson is a Certified L.E.A.N. Coach through The Dr. Sears Wellness Institute and author of the book “In Sickness and In Health: Lessons Learned on the Journey from Cystic Fibrosis to Total Health.” She is the owner and CEO of True Wholeness Coaching where she passionately shares health and faith building tips to thousands of people through weekly newsletters, podcasts, a local radio show, coaching and health classes. Her passion for helping others live beyond their circumstances has made her a sought after inspirational speaker and health coach. Mandy lives in North Dakota with her husband, Nate and their dog, Ajah.

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